2014-12-28 - 2:08 a.m.
I have found the last few weeks to be especially challenging for me. I woke up mid sleep crying and looking for understanding. The dream to me made me feel as though it was sweet, the love was unconditional and the gift was true. I should have kept it to myself. Other people understood it differently and made it seem different than it really was. It became a mockery almost and I felt that it would have made you sad. I would never have made fun of you.
I feel like almost everything I say these days plays out the same way. Somehow it is turned against me or it is used to make fun of me. I have become anxious to speak. I hide things and I pussyfoot around those that are making me feel this way. The people who love me the most are not supposed to make me feel this way. The old me would have fought back; I just can't any more. I will just continue to take it, say less, be less and maybe they will notice. Maybe they won't. Maybe this is how they want me to be. Broken down...less than whole....sad...anxious and quiet.
I miss you Grandma, I would have had someone on my side. You would always guide me and would not judge me. You had patience when I spoke and knew when I needed guidance. Please continue to watch over me and visit me in my dreams. I won't share the details if it doesn't pertain to them. I miss you my confidant, my best friend, and my second (and probably most true) mom. Merry Christmas. It will never be the same without you xoxo.
