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2005-09-26 - 10:42 p.m.

Well tonight I am just relaxing after a very stressful day at work. I had a conversation with my grandmother about how something as simple as a job can change a person in a good way or in a bad way, and its weird because I know I definitely have changed working at this job and it has not been for the good. I can't help but be unhappy and unable to trust a single soul, other than my grandmother. Its almost as if I have lost faith in the human race...how could this be? I am supposed to be one...a human that is...I just find myself thinking I would rather not have anything to do with them...its sad and I know this, but I can't help feeling like there isn't much more for me to figure out in this world. I don't think I am this almighty smart person, I just think that I basically don't care anymore. I wish I did...honestly.

I enjoy talking with my grandma, the only one I can be open with. We discussed the fact that I may never be able to live on my own because my parents rely on me too much and their world would crumble if I was to "leave the nest" in my grandmother's words. We talked about this a while...how their situation will never allow for them to be self sufficient and even if I move out, I will probably still have to support them in some way. It made me feel sad...cause I could never just walk away from my parents, but I also don't feel like I should have to be burdened with them either. I feel a sense of hopelessness...whats the point? why get an education? a better job? a house? a car? a boyfriend? have kids? go out and have fun? when at the end of the day, it comes down the the fact that I have a responsibility I wish was never bestowed upon me. I don't know how to deal with this....but perhaps I will find a solution, I thought my grandmother might have one, maybe she does and wants me to figure this out on my own...I am not sure....but I am afraid for her health, she has not been well and I know that she won't be around forever, even though I wish it was possible....cause I sure enjoy our time together.

 

 

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