2013-10-19 - 11:42 p.m.
I am sitting here alone enjoying a lovely alcoholic beverage while I contemplate life. I am laughing at the irony in that. It sounds very cliche, but it's the truth. It must also sound very sad, and that is also the truth.
I wish we were all given the "how to make it in life unscathed" handbook at grade 8 graduation. Years later (and by years I mean 20 years) and I am wishing I could go back and do it all over again. Try harder, be kinder, be adventurous and have an end plan. Not that an 8th grader would have any clue what to do with that information.
I am trying to come up with a plan now and god it seems too late. A ridiculous statement I am sure, but it's how I feel. How does anyone change their whole life in their 30's?
My career seems to be dwindling. The centre closed it's doors over the summer in the biggest shit show ever. I felt bad for the kids, felt bad for the staff and felt a sense of hopelessness for myself. Luckily (so I thought)I picked up a job the next day doing the very same thing. It has been a nightmare situation since that very day.
Since day one I have been trying to find a new job and feel my attempts have been very unsuccessful. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I have only been out of university for 10 years and I am being told I need to go back to school. How does this happen? Experience is not worth anything these days. Forget your Bachelors, you need your masters or PhD. How does an adult start their life over again while trying to maintain the one they have? I can't go to school full time or even part time. Online courses require placements (but I would also have to work my 40 hr a week job). I can't quit my job to attend school or I can say goodbye to my house and car. It's all just annoying and it makes my head spin!
*sip of my lovely drink*
I wish I had someone to have a lovely drink with me. Again, something that I keep hoping for but never seems to happen. Where is the person that will take a chance on me? It's almost too late for some things. I hope to have kids one day but with every day that passes I know its most unlikely. I wish I wasn't so different that I am hard to love. That's what I am assuming, no one can love someone like me; for whatever the reasons may be.
*sip of my lovely drink*
The world is changing so fast and the people in my life are changing with it. The years have taken a toll on my grandma and she is beginning to turn into someone I don't recognize. Aging sucks! She was my rock, my keeper of secrets, and now I have to try and be her rock; it's a difficult task for me. I love her and want what is best for her and will be tolerant and understanding of her needs. God help me.
Haven't heard from my dad in a few months, hope he is well. I can't worry about him; he has made poor choices in life. Hopefully he has a plan, because life at 30 sucks without a plan and when you are in your 60's I am sure it sucks a lot more.
My sister and mother are doing well and I am thankful for that. I hope my sister finds someone that can take care of her and love her. I don't want her to follow in my footsteps and miss out on many life experiences. I feel like I should have been a better role model for her.
I feel guilty about hating on my life right now. I have a dear friend that is sick and would probably give anything to be in my shoes for a day. She has beautiful children and a husband that takes care of her. A loving family and friends that are rooting for her. I adore her and pray for her recovery every day. I wish her all the strength in the world to beat this. Forgive me for feeling ungrateful and helpless.
I can't be strong for everyone every waking moment of my life. Tonight I am experiencing weakness and tomorrow is a new day. I have stopped praying for things to change for me, but I am ever mindful to be thankful for the things I do have and for everyone else to lead happy, healthy and fulfilling lives. No point in me reiterating what I want, its been many years unanswered.
*sip of my lovely drink*
Now I shall watch a movie and get wrapped up in the drama and fall asleep.
Goodnight
