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2015-04-29 - 10:13 p.m.

Oh the awful things we sometimes do. I cannot believe that I made two really bad decisions today and I feel like an idiot for doing so. My day started off with an anger that I am all too familiar with. I strike out and something gets broken. Of course its not mine and I feel like a total jerk for it. The remorse kills me and I just want to fix it and it can't be fixed. My poor mom didn't deserve having something she loved broken. I wish I could take it back and start the day again. I hate myself and wish I had a better coping mechanism.

Round 2: making a bigger deal out of something at work than was necessary. I can't believe I am at the age I am and I am still peer pressured into being something more awful than I would EVER be. I reacted badly and was quick to punish a few co-workers. In the end it just hurts the clients we work with and I look like a total moron. I look mean and uncaring and I am nothing of the sort. My peers pressured me.....I fell for it..I acted unlike myself...I fell for the oldest trick in the book!! and what do I get? I get to look like the bad person....and I was...I can't believe that I was THAT person, the BAD/AWFUL/MEAN person. Again, I can't take it back, I SO want to take it back and make things right. So I am now living with the guilt of making a very bad decision and feeling bad for my co-workers. Sometimes I get caught up and I just can't be like that. I have to distance myself from the few people who egg me on and cause me more trouble. This isn't high school...why is this happening?

I go to bed tonight with the thoughts and feelings of today. Wishing I could turn back the clock and start again. All I can do is pray for strength and understanding and patience. I don't want to be an awful person. Tomorrow is another day and I don't have to be an awful person!!!!!

 

 

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