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2005-08-06 - 3:33 p.m.

Its always takes a great length of time before I boil over with hellish thoughts and need to spill my guts into this diary. I can only stay quiet for so long.....hopefully I will have better things to wrote about in the next few weeks.

I am still trying to make a life for myself. Still stuck at my crappy job and still hoping to be able to drive soon. The sooner I can drive, the sooner I can get on with things, I need a new job, the real job, the career. Then I can move out of the house I currently share with my parents. I actually own it, but you wouldn't know it the way I am treated around here. Over the past few weeks I have learned a lot about myself and in turn...why I have so much hatred for my parents. The hatred I must say, is not unfounded, there is evidence there to support my reasonings behind not wanting anything to do with them anymore. I began to think back to my childhood and I have realized that all this time I have not enjoyed my parents. I was always embarrased of them and have felt I could have been afforded more, if only they had chosen to be better people.

They are mediocre people, they don't care about hygeine and intelligence, and they sure don't care much about other people. It always comes down to the fact that I feel like I am still taking care of my parents, still paying the bills, making it possible to eat and paying for gas for the car, ensuring that taxes are done etc etc. I am the one that has to make the decisions cause they sure can't...not that I want them to, I am afraid for what they may choose.

My mom has been acting crazy lately....before she would just silently take my money and move on, but now she feels like telling the whole world that I am too old to be living at home and should go find some guy to sleep with, get married and get the hell out. She blurted this out at a family get-togther recently and it made me very angry, now everyone she talks to she tells them the same thing....she does it for the attention, cause in reality if I moved out she would lose her house, her car and she would not be able to eat....but because my family doesn't realize how much my parents rely on me to live...she thought it would be fun to embarass me...by making it look like I need to rely on them to get through life.

This is all going to change and the truth will come out as soon as I can get the job I have been looking for, because I plan on selling my house and taking my car with me...which leaves them nothing...if they wish to try and buy the house from me, then they can do that....but I will have nothing to do with them financially anymore. They must learn to live without my support and maybe they can learn to appreciate me, because I have only felt used.

Not only am I understanding the odd relationship I have with my parents, but I am beginning to understand my weight problem more. Watching Oprah I realized my weight is a way of keeping guys away from me, by packing on the weight I make myself unattractive, feel unattractive and thus I take on the "unattractive" personality which makes it impossible for me to find someone to be with...intimately. I find this to be true, I don't want the attention of guys,especially strangers and being thinner means I would definitely attract that type of attention. I want to be able to find a guy that likes me for who I am, and if I am thinner and then I find someone to date, are they really dating me? or the better looking individual? its all too confusing...because some days I wish I had someone to spend time with....like my msn name currently says "I need a new life"....perhaps that will come...maybe I rely on the new job to provide too much relief from my old life....I hope not though, I have such great goals....I just need to get away from my family to achieve them.

 

 

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