2007-07-06 - 12:54 a.m.
Well, here I am writing in this journal, late at night...in my room...away from the family that drives me nuts all the time. Some days I feel love for my family, and some days I can't stand to be around them. I am on holidays and they take the same days as me, its great I have people to keep me company but I am even more tired as my holidays near an end. I wish I had more of a life outside my family. I wish I got together more often with friends. I wish I had the confidence in myself to believe I am worthy of having a good time. I wish I had a better body image and a willingness to accept that all people are born with flaws, and to just MOVE ON. I can't though, I see fat in the mirror and I see a face that isn't pretty enough and I wonder if I will ever be happy with the way I look. I guess we are all a little comsumed with our looks, but I so wish it was easier to be happy with the way we are. Its not easy, hollywood makes it hard to accept oneself. You need to be thin, and blonde and pretty. People are consumed with calorie counting and trans fats and carbs versus protein....I admit it, I can't keep up, who can? So for now, I must try harder to love myself, and hopefully get healthier in the process. I need to learn to deal with stress and to love a little more.
I must admit, my job takes a toll on my poor soul. Its a tough job but I still love it. I am blessed to have the opportunity to work where I do....but its my mind that constantly runs in circles...I want kids, I don't want kids, I want to be married, I don't want to be married, I want a house and car, and a dog and all the things people want in life...and in the next moment...like a flash, I take it all back. I don't know why I do this...perhaps I can't see it in my future because it hasn't happed thus far. Will I run into that certain person that makes me happy? Will I want to settle down and have a life of my own? I hope so....but it has been a long time and I have not experienced that yet, but I hope I do. I don't know if I can be alone the rest of my life.
