2014-01-14 - 10:58 p.m.
For the longest time I have had a battle with the darkness. I don't know what it is about it but every night it consumes me. As soon as the light outside starts to dissipate,the night takes over and begins its terror.
The night changes the person I am, and the hopes I have for the future. Every bit of my conscience is haunted by TOO MANY THOUGHTS. Anxiety spills over into my once fearless mind. I worry about everything and everyone and feel closest to death.
It doesn't matter the dream or the plan, the night comes takes over and tries to decide the outcome.
I can't turn off the thoughts, even the small ones. What's for dinner tomorrow?, do I have gas in my car? How is my dad doing? Will my mom and sister make it safe to and from work? Did I turn off that light? What about the lock? Maybe I should start exercising again tomorrow. Where will I be in a few years? Will I have kids? Can someone love me forever? Did I finish that thing at work? How safe is my job? Will my friend be ok? Is the cat hungry? And on and on and on....
My saving grace is the light. The sun begins to rise and I wake from my 5 hour anxiety ridden slumber. I have an appreciation for life, I want to live and experience so much. I feel as though I can tackle any problem. You can convince me to do almost anything. I would probably even get on a plane in the daylight with less fear that it would crash. The night would not have it....and that is why I hate the night.
But, the night is guaranteed and I just have to make it through until the morning. I try my best not to feel the sadness and anxiety that the night brings. The good thing about guarantees...the light will come too. The sun will always rise and I hope that I continue to see many sun rises and keep the darkness from my heart.
