2004-06-22 - 12:52 p.m.
Alright, so it has been a while since I last wrote in this diary....I went back to work at the stupid burger joint because they begged me to help them out and then the business went down the tubes anyways. So again I am out of a job and looking for something for the summer so I can save up for a used car and maybe even an apartment.
I know that I just bought a brand new home with my mother but I am getting to the point where I can't stand her and she can just have the damn house. I have only been out of work for a few weeks and she is bitching at me constantly about getting a job....well she can fuck off. I really want to look at her and be like...for most of my childhood you collected welfare and you were totally capable of working but were too busy watching t.v to go and get a job. Thanks mom for the shitty life you have afforded me. Hey mom, I remember when the system used to ask you to send them in lists of places you had "applied to" and I remember being only 11 years old and having to go through the phone book with you picking out different businesses you were pretending to apply to just so you could get your welfare cheque and continue to live your life as the biggest loser on the planet....thanks for being the best inspiration you fucking loser!!!
So I turn 12 years old and I am able to babysitt and make a few bucks for myself...cause all my life my shoes had holes in them and my clothes were ratty and I only had one pair of pants. So I could make a few bucks and buy some clothes. I worked my ass off booking up all my nights and weekends and then you would take all my money you stupid fucking bitch...I hate you! you used to make me feel so bad when I wanted some of the money for myself...I would ask to keep the money to buy shoes or a new t-shirt and you would always make me feel like shit saying stuff like "well you can keep the money but if your little sister and you can't eat for the next week don't bitch to me when your stomach aches". Mom, I hate you!
So I go to Highschool and work my ass off to make grades and the whole time babysitting at nights and weekends and holidays and I have no time for friends or boyfriends and my life sucks in highschool...thanks mom. So I apply to university and must get a government loan to pay for school because my parents are the biggest losers on the planet. I move into residence but my parents won't pay for me to have a phone or my books for the year. I spent part of the year borrowing other people's books and buying phone cards to keep in touch with people. I hate you for ruining my first year in university.
The next three years are pretty much the same, I can't pay my bills and my parents are deadbeats. Often I went to my balcony and contemplated jumping off because it was all pavement below the 5ft drop and I would not survive for sure. But somehow I convinced myseld that once I graduated that life would be better...fuck, I must have been hallucinating. Thanks mom for fucking me up, I can't even afford to a shrink.
So now I am educated but working on putting my life together and I think it scares my mom...who is going to pay her bills? Hey mom, I would rather starve and use all the money I have to move out of "my house" and into some ratty apartment just so I can get away from you. You are like a disease, you bring me down and if I stay around you too long, I will die. So I am off to job hunt and god, maybe find something in life I enjoy. Its pretty bad when I can't even think of one thing I would enjoy doing...its because I always had to do things for everyone else. Other people aske me "what would you love to do for a career?" and I can't answer them because I have been taught to ignore happiness and go for the money, hah, mom, I will make my money and I will not give you a dime. One day I will move so far away from you and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
