Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

2005-11-26 - 12:09 p.m.

Well it has been an interesting day so far and I am sure it is about to get worse, its only noon. I woke up this morning to my mother bitching at me to get a new job so I can help pay her bills as well as my bills. You can't rationalize with my mother, she is uncapable of thinking about anyone but herself. She has provided me with nothing but debt and while I am trying to dig myself out from the mess I am in, she wants me to quit my job, so I can have more money to pay off her debts as well. I honestly can't stand my mother. I can't stand my father either, but I hate my mother more. She is the reason why this family is falling apart and why my brother is so screwed up as well. My brother has landed himself in jail again and I actually feel sorry for him. I feel that he is probably going through the same issues I am, but doesn't have the ability to cope as well as I have...although I am beginning to doubt my coping skills.

I think I understand my brother a lot more now as I start to think about his situation. My parents always relied on him to pay the bills and when he finally got fed up with it, he took to the streets and got all pumped up on drugs and fought to live the only way he knew how to...to steal to cheat and to find a place to sleep with something on his stomach. I remember him always arguing that "everyone" was against him, and that all we wanted him around for was for him to make the money and to pay the bills. He felt "we" as a family were trying to tell him how to live and what he could do with his money, and how he could further himself if he'd only just done this, or done that....and how much better off as a family we could have been if he could do this, or do that. I understand completely now.....he is gone and my parents are doing the same to me....I must get a better job I understand this, but its not to further my parents, its not to pay their bills and make it so they can have what they want out of life. It supposed to be so I can move out and get a life finally and become the person I don't even know yet....I don't know who I am, what I like, and what I would like out of life. I have only ever known that my life consists of taking care of my parents, ensuring that we have hydro, gas and food....I don't know any other way of life. I don't know romatic relationships because I am ashamed of how I live and I am ashamed of who my parents are. I couldn't possibly bring someone home to introduce them to the parents that live in my house, drive my car and tell me where I am to work for the rest of my life....its pathetic.

I once thought of one day having a family and of getting married and all the jazzy things people do in life to make it more fullfilled. I just want peace and quiet and many years to figure out who I am and what I want. I am at the point in my life where, sure, it would be nice to have someone to love and for someone to love me in return....but....I feel like I have spent most my time on this planet taking care of people...and I think the stresses of having this bestowed upon me have taken a toll on my dreams of having a family and that wedding. I know the logic is screwy, but it works for me right now.

I am worried what is to come in my future, I know I don't really want my primary family involved in my life anymore...I don't want to see my mom and dad and I don't care that much for my sister most times...and I will always worry for my brother and pray that he can find his way out of this....if only I could let him know I am in much the same situation and that I understand.....maybe he can change his life...not for me, not for my family....but for himself....and this is something I hope to accomplish in the new year....I will not stand to let my parents rule my life anymore...I will leave this house and all its shitty memories and I will make a life for myself that I can actually be proud of, and my parents are not invited.

 

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!