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2008-01-12 - 10:29 a.m.

I am thankful I could spend the holidays this year with my grandmother. I truly hope she is with us for many years to come :)

My life is a strange life....I spend a lot of the time taking care of other people and I lose myself in the big picture. What do I want in life? I am thankful to have a well paying job at this moment in time, but being a single person it just isn't enough money to live on my own. So I guess I want a job that will make it a little more likely to be self-sufficient. What else do I want? I want my parents to be able to support themselves. My dad is draining every bit of patience from me. He needs to be working full time and he needs to get a car so he can get to and from. I hate that they expect me to give up my car so he can work. The car is the ONLY thing I have. Its weird that I talk this way about my car I know...but my house, the one that I purchased currently holds my mom and dad and my sister as well. I wish they could just DO something right...but they can't. This situation comes up over and over just with different circumstances. This time its that "They" can't afford a car and thus "he" can't get to work and therefore "they" won't be able to help pay for the house. It irritates me so much that I am the one that has to give up more and more just so this stupid family can survive. How much should I give? My job is very stressful and I come home to my room...I basically live out of a room...and now they ask that I give up that car and spend another 2 hrs a day getting to and from work. My job is stressful enough and my car is my only saviour...it takes me home...away from one stress at least.

I have been doing this way too long....I don't even really know who I am. I am going to be 30 in a few years and I can't take care of them when I don't have anything in my life that I look forward to at this moment. I don't have real good friends....I don't have a boyfriend....I don't have hobbies (too busy running the family around)...I don't have a job that pays me enough to get away....I don't have my own house, and soon I won't even have my own car....all I have is this room. Its working for me right now...the room that is...because I can't stand to be around others who just add more and more stress to my crappy little life. I am isolated and bored, stressed and feeling quite helpless....will things change? I am sure...but I will have to be the one that makes the changes...and I am sure everyone will hate me....perhaps the 1st step will be to refuse to give them the car....and THEY can deal with finding him a job he can commute to...is it really my problem? It will be...they make all their problems mine and my head is going to explode. I am jealous of people I know that live on their own with their boyfriends and they are planning their lives together. Houses, cars, kids....I guess its called a future. Wish I could look ahead...but I am too accustomed to just doing what others want...its getting in my way. I will have to make a move and hope it works out.

 

 

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