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2016-07-04 - 9:31 a.m.

Time is moving too fast these days. The day is fast approaching that my sister will become a mother. I still have no plan. I have a bunch of options I have been throwing around but I don't really know how viable they are. I am trying not to kid myself, this is going to be one of the hardest things to do. I maintain that I still need my space but other people always think they know what is best. The things I want I am told "you don't want that". The ideas I have I am told "how will that work?". Everything I say is questioned. I am starting to feel like I am going beyond crazy. I have people who think for me, who speak for me and who have a plan for my whole life. YAY! What a life.

I have come to the realization that they are trying to control me for the simple fact of making it easier on them. If I stay, I can help pay for their bigger house. If I stay I can help with the baby. If I stay I can remain single and miserable and that's the hook they have. As long as I "don't have anything else" then they can continue to control me. At least I see this now. How unfair and unjust things can be.

My anger is growing and I find myself thinking nasty things and then saying them out in the open. I say things that can't be taken back. That voice in my head and the voice that sneaks out doesn't sound like me. I don't want to be a horrible person. It's hard to keep it in check these days. I know I am changing and becoming bitter and old. I keep saying that I am going to change but its hard when everyone around you continues to do the same things that set you off. What is a person to do?

The first three days of my summer vacation I have kept busy with friends. It helps to keep busy and not think of my situation. When I come home though, its back with a vengeance. Sometimes the space away makes it worse as it gives them the opportunity to tell me how much better their life was without me. They want my income, they want my help, but they don't necessarily want me around. It's hard to have the closest people take such as disinterest in you and for your well-being.

I will keep busy and try to keep those thoughts away. I have been promising myself I would take more time for me. I need to get back to exercising as it gives me strength, space and something to do. Hopefully the peanut gallery will just allow me to do my own thing. Sadly, I don't think that will be the case. I have to push against the opposition and do what I want anyway. Screw what they think and say, they hate everything I do anyway.

 

 

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