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2017-03-12 - 10:55 p.m.

I am having a night where the sad thoughts in my head and heart are just taking over. Have you ever felt sadness so deep that it actually sends a pain straight from your heart and it travels down your arms and into your fingertips? I felt this twice tonight. I feel like I shouldn't dwell on the past but the past can change a person's soul forever.

Poverty changes how a person develops as a human being.It is especially cruel to children. My sad thoughts stem from my experience with poverty. Some people may think it can make a person strong and passionate. It made me unselfish but it also made me fearful of judgement and a little bit jealous of others. That being said, a person needs to be selfish sometimes. I painfully experienced childhood as I often watched others have the things I often went without. I struggled as a child to fix things. These "things" were not something a child could have fixed.

A childhood memory flashed in my head today where I was delivering newspapers in the "nice" neighbourhood. It was winter and it was so cold. I didn't have proper winter clothes and I had hundreds of newspapers to deliver far away from where I lived. I walked there with my siblings and we delivered newspapers for hours in the freezing cold weather. To help keep my mind off my toes that were going numb and my lungs that were burning; I pretended that I was the owner of the beautiful house I was walking up to. Carrying the newspaper, I envisioned taking those last few steps and opening the door to my house. I continued to do this until the last newspaper had been delivered. It helped me get through. I could forget about it until the following weekend where I would do it all over again. The money from delivering papers would pay for food that we needed. A child with a grownup responsibility.

The theme of my life is really to take care of people and have life pass me by. Being unselfish and taking care of my siblings and parents when I was younger meant that I missed out on a lot of development. I can't get those years back and I am continuing the vicious cycle to this day.

The house that I own will be sold so my sister can have her children grow up in a bigger house. The house that I own will be sold so my mom can grow old with her grand children nearby. I will sit idly by and watch as people enjoy their life. I have tried to want things for myself, and I am told that I am ruining it for everyone else. Maybe sacrifice was all I was ever meant to experience.

Envy: I wish I wasn't so burdened with this feeling, but I envy the husband and wife, the boyfriend and girlfriend, the co-worker, the friend, the neighbour.

I will continue to pray that I will also get to experience those happy moments in life. My own happy moments. I really don't need a lot out of life, just something, anything really. I am tired. I don't know how much longer I can hold back the selfish person I desire to be. The one that admits that I want something more. The one that doesn't care if it doesn't fit with what other people want.

 

 

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