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2005-03-05 - 9:20 a.m.

Finally.....the weekend, I have been busting my ass off working and working and for what? To pay bills. I know a lot of people out there are in the same position as myself. There is never any money left over to have a little fun...god, I don't even have money left over to buy my favourite snack at the store. Its weird, I have never been in this position before, I have always had the money to pay the bills. Even when I was at school, I would still have a bit of money left over, but that has all changed now. Moving in with my parents after school has destroyed my hopes of having a life at all. I am stuck "helping them"....that is, I have to pay their bills cause they can't cover them, and pay my own bills on top of that....its so wonderful to have parents you can rely on.

So this is what is going on right now. My lazy ass worthless father is still out of a good paying job and has no intention of seeking further employment because he is still under the impression that the people he worked with last summer will hire him again this summer. However, we have no money right now and risk losing our house. I know right now we are just nearly escaping having this or that turned off because we can't pay the bill. First it was hydro, then gas and what shows up on friday in the mail??? The phone warning. Not only that, mother has arranged for us to pay a double payment of the mortgage in two weeks because we couldn't pay the mortgage last month. However....I only make 500 bux and she only makes 500 bux and the mortgage is 2,000 now that it is doubled and the new bills will be in by that time. So its just a matter of time I do believe, that everything will come crashing down. I am helpless because we have no one to turn to...but only because my mother is ashamed, they don't really know what we are at risk of losing....I wonder if my mother has realized this yet. She took time off work because she was "sick" and I was bloody pissed because I know how much we need that money and I would go to work even if I felt like I was dying, because we need to. So my mothers answer to our debt problem is her taxes. She rushed to get her taxes done and hopes they will be in by the time the mortgage is due. Dumb move, but this is what my mother is like...she will do what she wants and she will take me down with her. If I lose this house (since its in my name cause she couldn't buy a house without my signature as primary holder of the deed) I will not be able to buy a house in the future and will be stuck renting for the rest of my life...I would rather die...this will screw up my credit...I will not be able to own a new car or take out loans for anything. I think people are noticing the fact that I am changing, I have become very angry and critical. Its all I have left because my mother has pissed me off so bad...and it all comes down to the fact that she married my father.

Its weird because my grandmother tells me all the time about how my mother was doing fine in school and had hopes of being something, until when she was sixteen, she met my father....who at the time was 28. She dropped out of school to be with him, and got pregnant and later married him. He had no education but he did have a fancy car. Eventually he became more and more of a drunk and they lost their car and were forced to live in a shabby house that was owned by a friend that didn't charge them rent. Event though they didn't have to pay rent....paying the bills were impossible and the kids suffered. Even though they still argue we had clothes and food....I remember being hungry and I remember wearing the same outfit almost everyday and wearing the stained hand-me-downs from my cousins who were a lot older then me so my clothes never fit. I remember being kicked the crap out of at school because the shoes I wore were made out of plastic but made to look like regular rubber shoes....I was ridiculed and wanted to die then. What child should think of death at such a young age? As long as I could remember I hated my parents....I remember hating them as young as 7 years old and me fighting with my mom to get a job....and arguing with her to get us "real food" for lunch. To this day I still hate my father for promising me as a kid...the world on a plate. He would tell me he would get me all these things as soon as he had the money...when really he had no intention of buying me the new jeans I wanted or the haircut I needed....the things never came and I continued to be ridiculed. Now I am not talking designer jeans or anything, I am just talking jeans to wear that actually fit me...or money to go on those school trips. I always got stuck behind in the retard class while my class was out on the class trips...or on pizza day when everyone was having their pizza and I was eating the boiled eggs my mom would send to school for me. But the most embarrasing moment came when we had the health department in to give out floride treatments and toothbrushes...for those individuals whose parents did not pay the 10 dollars for the treatment...they got to sit out in the hall while everyone was having their teeth checked and given toothbrushes....well...I ended up sitting in the hallway with the wet boots all by myself. Apparently my mom was the only one that couldn't afford the treatment for me....so I told everyone I forgot to give my mom the letter and that I had my own dentist to give me the treatments anyways (which was a lie....the first time I saw a dentist in my life, was when we were on welfare and I was about 12yrs old and needed a cavity filled and it was covered by the system). So this is just a little insight into my life, it has been a struggle and its seems to be getting worse. I can't even get a new job because I have to work to pay bills and can't take the time off to send resumes and I can't even afford a nice outfit to wear to the interview...so I want to change it badly, but I am stuck..."stuck at nowhere" my friend emily would say.

 

 

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