2005-04-01 - 11:06 p.m.
It seems my anger has led me to create an entry in this diary tonight...I am struggling to stay sane, or at least that is what I feel I am struggling to accomplish. I feel that my anger and anxiety stem from real issues but it seems to others that it is me that is the problem rather than a source outside my control. This I believe to be untrue....if I could control what it is that is bothering me, then I would not be in this situation. I feel the situation at work is unjust and I have voiced my concerns about a few individuals creating havoc at work but the response I get from my superiors seems outright blameful of those who are not involved. I seem to be the "fall" person, the bitch that can do it all and is expected to stay quiet and "do her job". I fear that it is creating a monster. I get so angry and so frustrated and I cannot seem to do anything about it and it is control that I lose and I go home angry and I treat complete strangers badly all because the people at work have pissed me off. I don't want to be the person that is the result of such stres. I cannot remember such a time that I was so angry.
I get so angry that I start not feeling well at all. My heart pains and I am afriad that I will have a heart attack and that I am to young to experience. I do not wish that to happen but for some unexplicable reason I cannot control my rage. I have outbursts where I have a complete lack of respect for those around me and I feel it is the result of receiving similar treatment at work. After I experience this rage and depending on the damage I cause (physical or psychological) I feel remourse. My poor computer has received a few kicks and punches as a result of my rage. I wake up tired and the 45 minute car ride to work produces an anxiety I only have felt a few times in my life....why should I be anxious to go to work, I should at least enjoy work. I have been finding it difficult to keep food from upsetting my stomach and this I know is caused from the stresses. I must quit but at this time I cannot. My dad must get back to work first so we do not lose our house and then I can go find a job where I am valued. I have worked at some pretty awful jobs, but this job is different, it drags you down and its not the actual physical work, but the management and the crew members that are allowed to walk all over the others. I feel like a little kid saying "it isn't fair".....but....guess what....it isn't fair, but I must suffer through it....my grandmother knows best and I must learn to deal with this situation in a constructive way...I can no longer suffer physically...I am afraid for my health. I may have to visit my doctor if I continue to feel this way...and that is an embarrasement...the solution seems simple...get away from the situtaion that causes such grief....a very wise solution that I will take up...as soon as my dad can support this family...until then, I pray to have the patience and health (both mental and physical) to continue at this job. I have to be smarter about things.
