2015-04-05 - 10:49 p.m.
Happy Easter!! :)
I thought about you tonight while we were watching the movie Houseboat. I miss having Easter dinner with you and sitting down to watch a classic like that. It was just a small Easter with the 3 of us. I was ok with not having to go to a big dinner somewhere else. I believe you were here with us anyway; we always spent Easter together. I miss you and love you so much. Please continue to watch over our little family.
One day I hope our family gets a bit bigger. I haven't ruled out a family just yet. I do worry that someone else is thinking of starting a family though. She doesn't want help and she wants to do it all on her own. I don't know that I could do that. I want someone to grow old with. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished in life. I want to share the world with people. I don't want to shut them out.
Perhaps the one that chooses to shut out the world just needs to grow up. Its clear that she avoids real life. She can't handle the truth about herself. She is difficult and challenging in so many ways. I can't even begin to try and understand her. Her thoughts are not clear and she suffers with her illness but does not want pharmaceutical help. Sometimes she is able to drag me right into her madness and I say things and do things I typically would not do or say. I think she takes pleasure in it because then she can label me the same way. I am not like her, no one is.
I wish she could move on and be happy and not suck the life out of everyone she comes into contact with. Mom just looks at the whole situation and would rather not deal with it. Pretend as though somehow it will all just magically get better. Conversations with my mom are non-existent. So many times I don't even get a response. Honestly it is a coping mechanism for her as well. The two of them are the same in so many ways. The one main issue? Needing to grow up.
I need a mom that can make wise decisions and a mom that can value the expression of opinions. Please start making better decisions. I don't know why all of a sudden you have decided to "show the world you can do whatever you want" and then ask for our help when it goes very wrong.
The second thing you both have in common is avoidance/escape.... those situations you don't want to deal with are not going away. It gets worse when you ignore them. I wish you could both just start making some plans. I admit that I need a plan as well. I just feel that I am more open to it.
Grandma, I miss your voice of reason and I know they do too. I think we have all suffered since losing you. Maybe we expected too much from you when we called for advice. You never seemed annoyed and you gave the best damn advice! You never saw a situation from just one point of view and you somehow kept my mom from being foolish. We will have to figure this out on our own now and the past year or so have not been a good example of what we are capable of. We need to be better people and start to excel in life. Plans Plans Plans!! lol
xoxo
