2013-12-22 - 12:37 a.m.
I have been reading up on grief because I don't know what to do with myself. Writing down how you really feel and what is on your mind is supposed to be cathartic and healing. So,I am troubled by images, and "what ifs". I wonder if the hospital had not forgotten to pass along your med info if you would still be with us. I wish we did not have to spend this Christmas without you.
What if you could have stayed at home longer...if by any means possible. Should we have tried harder to be able to make it happen for you? I wish we had.
What if I had one more day to visit you. I wish I would have visited you that Monday Mom asked me to. I feel like we would have had one last time....just you and I...to discuss whatever we felt like discussing...just like we did so many times in the past.
I don't believe the one that says you had messages. I don't believe that you have left us forever. I want you to be happy and at rest but selfishly I want you to see my grief so you know how much I truly miss you and love you. I want you to rest but I am not ready for you to leave me to my own free will. So long as I believe you are with me and watching over us I feel like we are safer. Although I feel a bit more reckless, I selfishly hoped that you would tell me to "knock it off".
These next few days will be especially difficult. The first of many firsts without you. Have patience with me, I will be better I hope.
I miss you and will forever be missing a piece of me...my dear Grandma I wish I could have done more.
I thought that as more time passed it would be easier. It's not.
