2007-01-27 - 5:16 p.m.
Well, I am still pretty much annoyed with the situation I am still in. I wish I had the money to move out. I am slowly saving a bit of money (and its a tiny amount believe me). I can't seem to save when it all goes to bills and my father seems to have found himself out of work, again. I know the business my dad works in is based on weather and contracts and that is why in the winter he doesn't have work. This situation has become too hard for me to deal with winter after winter. Should I have to do this? I just want my own life. I am getting older and the months are flying by and it is scaring me. What am I going to do? I never seem to have anything to do on the weekends. No good friends, no boyfriend, nothing. Not that I have the money to have a good time anyways. I am scared to have a relationship cause I haven't yet and that makes me an oddity and a real pain. Who wants someone who hasn't learned how to love someone?
I don't know if I love my parents, they have always been a burden to me. I never got the school lunches, I never got to go on the school trips. I had the clothes with the holes in them and the beatings from my peers to go with them. I got the taunts and I got to go home feeling hungrier than most my classmates. I remember the words my neighbours used to describe my parents, and this was to my face. I can't erase memories like that. I wonder what my teachers actually thought of me. My grade 7 teacher said to me exactly this "you don't belong here, can't you see? you are not like the other students that attend this school, look around, you must be able to see how different you are". This conversation happened because when we moved there was no space in the nearest school for me, so a few kids from my neighbourhood were bused into a school in an affluent neighbourhood and me and my jeans with holes didn't fit in. I just love how adults can get away with destroying someones mind and soul in as little as a few words. What gives them the right to do this? My parents helped to ruin this soul and my neighbours and my peers and my teachers. Its a tired soul that has grown up way too quickly. I don't want to take care of people anymore. What I do want to do, is take care of myself. I need to take care of myself, this is the theme that runs through my journal. I live in my room these days, eat sleep and talk to the odd person online. I have my tv and my dvd/vcr and my books. Its a home all wrapped up in a tiny room and all I have to do is shut the door and the world is pretty much shut out. My parents change everyday, they are getting older and more dependant and I am getting older and want to be more independent....I wish they would take my mind and soul into consideration. Anything I ask for, any money I wish to save, to them, I hear that I am "selfish". All I know, is that they didn't live with their parents until they were almost thirty years old. So I save a little here and a little there and I guess that makes me selfish...to want to move on in this world and create an existence outside my bedroom walls.
I guess my next big step, "moving out" and starting my own life is going to take a lot of patience on my behalf, and a whole lot of hiding money to make it happen. I need to find my dad some work (yup me, find him work, otherwise he will sit on his ass), and hopefully the bills won't add up to the point where I will have to use my saved money to keep the heat/electric on....and maybe just maybe I will venture out on a weekend and perhaps have some fun. Who knows....maybe I will run into someone that will take a chance and love me.
