2005-02-10 - 8:16 p.m.
It has been a while since I last added an entry and much has happened since. I couldn't figure out for the longest time why I felt that I had changed as a person and the more I thought about it, the more I felt that I had gone crazy and there was no root/cause of my "change". The other day on the way home from work I had an epiphany....I realized that I changed the day I was fired from my previous job. I had decided that day that I wasn't going to be the person everyone wants me to be anymore. I became angry with life and my hatred for my parents grew and that I am having a hard time letting go of...the hatred. I am so bitter these days and every little thing makes me so angry that I want to cry. The empty milk carton, the snotty customer, the neverending requests from my supervisors/managers, minimum wage (which is what I am being paid)...the fact that I can't find a job that will pay me more....the fact that I have a degree and still can't find a job, the fact that I can't afford to buy a car, lease a car, finance a car, fix our old dying car or even pay for lessons to learn how to drive in the first place. I am angry because my dad can't find work and again I find myself supporting a family that I don't really want to be a part of anymore....its difficult to stay positive.
I have never been so stressed out in my life and it just seems to get worse. I am afraid we will lose our house and that will kill me. We have no money and my father has decided he will not work to help out. I think what bothers me most is that I just want to get on with my life...I want a job and a car and damn it...I just want a life, I don't even know what it means to have friends anymore because I don't have the time, not even to call them. I took a few driving lessons with my uncle and I started to cry when I couldn't make a lane change and I just couldn't stop....it had nothing to do with the lane change...it had to do with the fact that I wanted to learn to drive so bad and I wanted to learn as soon as possible...and it was taking longer and I was getting frustrated...and damn it...I just want to get on with my life.
I have prayed for patience and the ability to control my temper/anger...but I am always thinking about life in general and how I just want to die...I can't help it....not that I would kill myself...but most days I feel like...death would fix everything...the house would be paid for and my suffering would hopefully end....I know this is stupid...but its just a thought and I quickly dismiss it, but it upsets me that those thoughts would even enter my mind....I would love to live life to the fullest but I don't know how....time and money seem to impede my efforts of becoming sane....its seems I am working so hard for nothing and I can't express this to anyone because everyone involved would be affected....I can't do it...I just have to continue on the path that has been set forth as of now...and thats continue to pray that things will get better and try try try to stay sane....something I believe I am in a continuous fight for....my sanity...I guess I will know at the end of this month if my mom and I are able to support this tiny family of ours and whether or not we will have a house to live in in a few months....I pray that someone is watching out for us...
