2004-10-26 - 11:55 a.m.
Well, it has been a while since I have used this diary and I guess it was because I was busy working at my full-time, not bad paying job. So I did get my mom a job there and things seemed to be ok, my boss was an ass but we made money and could pay bills and thats all that mattered. So if you knew my mom, you know she likes to act tougher than she really is. She is always looking for attention and out to prove she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Thus, she was the reason we both lost our jobs. Her attitude with my boss scared me and I was always telling her to just shut up and do her job and just to ignore what he was saying. But being the ass that she is...she gave him a bit too much attitude and was fired. I knew that when I went in for my shift, I would also be fired as a result of her attitude because we were related. So I was asked to hand in my keys and to leave the store within 2 minutes of arriving for my shift. It will be the last thing I will do for someone else for the rest of my life.
I am a bitter person, I have tried to keep my family from going broke and I have made it possible for them to have things such as jobs to pay bills and my mom returns the favour by having me fired because she can't keep her big fat mouth shut. So we have been sitting around the house and she is driving me nuts because she is being too picky about job hunting. This is the thing mom, we have bills to pay and a house we will lose if you don't grow the fuck up. So again its up to me to help her get her resume together and go job hunting with her...its funny how I have to tag along with my 40yr old mother. I don't know how I have survived this long. I feel like an old soul already.....ever since I could remember, I have been taking care of everyone else. I don't even know what I want anymore and that makes it difficult to find a career. I don't want a job, I want a career but because I have been taking care of people for so long, I can't even think about working in a situation where I have to help people...and unfortunately...my psychology degree only affords me such jobs.
We still don't have a second car and it makes it harder to find work because I have to make sure the bus runs to wherever I need to go and I have to make sure it runs often (which in this town, it never does). Just our luck a few days after we were fired, the car broke down and that cost me money cause I am the only one that had any cash to pay for it. I wish things were so different, I guess I am just tired of fighting and instead I am feeling hopeless...I can't see anything in the future that could ever make me happy.
So I have a family get-together to go to next weekend and it scares me because the last time I saw my perfect family members I wasnted to kill myself for three weeks after seeing them. I get so depressed because they are so well off and they have houses and cars and nice jobs and lives and I...have nothing. I smile and pretend I am interested in their perfect lives and then I go home and the thoughts infect me for weeks. They feel that by making fun of my life, that it will make me run out and change it and I will start making millions of dollars and I will have cars and houses too...well it doesn't work that way when people drag you down and you don't have a leg to stand on in the first place. No one will ever really know what is going on in my head, exhausting that it is to keep it to myself, I am afraid people will think I am crazy if I start to tell them how I truly feel. As you can see, my diary entry is a jumbled as the thoughts that are going through my head at a mile a minute. Right at this moment, my mom is making excuses for herself...she is kidding herself, my family knows the truth, I know it because I see it...I can see how they really feel about my family and I don't blame them. So my next entry will probably be after the lovely family dinner next weekend...fuck them all this time...I will not be happy to hear about their lives and it will show.
