2017-10-10 - 4:25 a.m.
I was hesitant to even add an entry today. My thoughts woke me up at 2:30 am and I just couldn't fall back to sleep. When I thought about what I wanted to write, it was exactly what I had written in my previous entry from months ago. What does this say about me? Does it mean I can't let certain things go? or does it mean the same things that I felt were unfair before, still linger, unchanged.
To be honest, I have let another year go by with the theme being exactly the same as previous years. I am not allowed to have what I want, because it doesn't benefit the group. Instead, I get to be miserable, used and unloved. I see what they see in me, convenience. My concerns are labelled as anxiety; My rationale as stupidity. Years of this takes its toll on a soul. I can see now that this is what happened to my dad. We have more in common than I would like to admit.
If I don't do what the consensus wants, its my fault that they are miserable. I need someone in my corner. However, the older I get, the less people actually care. Everyone apparently knows whats best for me (which is clearly whats actually best for them).
My mind switches from "Who cares, let this play out and it will end bad" to "I have to keep us from losing everything". My reason for being up at 2:30am. The reason why the darkness brings out the thoughts. Come on sunrise, come on new day.